Hello lovelies!
I know I don't post here as often as I should, and I know I start a lot of posts off that way, but I would love to get back into blogging as I do literally nothing with my time, and this is something that I told myself I'd work super hard on.
This post is going to get deep - I'm not going to even try and pretend that it won't - but I think it's important to talk about, and hopefully some of you reading this will understand what I'm going through.
For the last year, I have been stuck in this rut which, even now so much has changed, I can't seem to get out of. I constantly feel like I'm just floating around, invisible until needed, and kind of just waking up, breathing, and going to bed. I've been trying so very hard to keep myself busy, to stay positive, and to work super hard on those things that I still do have (Youtube, my band, my relationship etc), however, even with those things it feels as if something is missing, and I can't figure it out.
I constantly feel like an outsider. I work super-duper hard at things all my friends and peers are doing, but I'm like the annoying kid that no-one wants around, but they're too polite to tell to leave them alone, or to quit.
This is happening not only with Youtube, but with my band, and my friends and almost everything I do.
For a long time I've struggled with feelings of not being good enough, but I always had things to distract me from that, but over the last year, it's become a lot worse, and it feels like now when I go to people I love for help, they give me positive reenforcement because they feel they have to, and it feels like they are sick of me, and that makes me feel so much worse.
Even as I sit here and write this, I feel bad about talking about this because I'm scared it'll sound like I'm attention-seeking, or like a cry for help, or people will read it and make fun of me for being a 'cry-baby'. I just can't find anything at all that helps.
I spend my days on the verge of tears over the smallest things and it's at the point where I'm almost letting myself give up so I have a reason to be sad. I try everyday to tell myself to find the positives in every situation, but as much as I try and do that, all I can dig up is more and more negatives.
Maybe this is why I work so hard - I feel like I have to achieve something to be taken seriously, or that I won't be sad anymore if things go right, but when I hit tiny bumps in the road I lose all hope and go back to square one.
I'm losing friends. I'm losing ambition and considering the idea of not fighting for what I believe in anymore. I'm losing confidence and I'm losing bravery. I'm beginning to hate myself again.
I sleep all day because I can't pull myself out of bed in case I get bad news or I hit my head or I fill in an eyebrow wrong.
My best mate won't even talk to me.
I don't know what's going on inside my head but I can't stand it, and I don't know how to fight it.
I'm sorry this post is a downer, but it's the truth.
I feel like I am a disappointment, because no matter how hard I work towards something I'm never, ever good enough.
I guess that's everything I have to say today,
I'll hopefully be blogging better things soon.
Love love,
Rosie x
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